Maybe Owlette's Name Should Be "Crabbie"

So y'all know that I am working pretty consistently on fitness; running and biking and really trying.

Since we started counting (I have an Excel chart called 2008 Fitness Spectacular that measures weight, body mass, and bust, waist, hips. It calculates everything and is a thing of beauty) I have gained and lost the same 5 pounds over and over. Beloved has lost 12 pounds and 6 inches. And she's not even trying. Today I am at the exact weight I started at.

This is wrong. Maybe it's hard to change your body past 40 for anyone, but that ain't nothin' compared to adding menopause to the mix. What is UP with that?

So now I'm crabby and it would be best if you didn't even look at me now. 'Cause I'll slap you as soon as look at you.

How Does This Happen?

Now that I am exercising regularly and trying to get more fit and saying "well, I only want to be fit" (while secretly wishing to be a bombshell )-- I've been thinking about how the heck I got here.

So maybe you are reading this somewhat smugly and thinking "wow - 100 pounds. That would never happen to me!"

Oh, my naive friend - you have no idea. Don't think of it as 100 pounds - think of it as less than 10 pounds a year, over 15 years. See what I mean?

And it's like one day you wake up and say "how did this happen to me?" Not that it matters - what matters is getting fitter and healthier - but still.

So that's how it happens. Slowly and easily. Don't ever let up on your vigilence or your ass will take over the world. *sigh*

Do you think a 48 year old menopausal woman can get hot again? (And I do not mean "hot flashes".)

The Thrill of Victory...The Agony of Defeat

So at the weigh-and-measure-in I lost 2.5 lbs! A great feeling, on top of the great feeling I am getting from being much more fit.

In fact, there are others getting in on the act now - the French Hairdresser and his boyfriend the Cowboy think it's all a great plan and are in with us now.

So we had already decided to ride to Central Park and have a picnic. The plan was to ride up to 59th St and enter the park, find a good spot, and maybe ride the big loop around the park since there are no cars on Sunday (about 10 million bikers and skaters, but that's a different story.) It's about 2.5 miles from our house to the Park - and more uphill than I realized.

But we ride up and cannot get across to the park at 59th - there is an Israel Day parade and it's PACKED with people. We had to ride all the way up to 86th St (another 1.5 miles) just to cross Fifth Avenue into the Park. The park was so full that we had to ride on the roadway up around the reservoir to get to the west side where the Cowboy was meeting us. (Another mile+, and MOSTLY UPHILL.)

When we got to the meeting spot I was done. We laid around, ate, talked, and generally enjoyed the beautiful afternoon. Beloved, of course, couldn't sit still and did the big loop on her own. There is no way I could have done all those hills.

But I was feeling pretty good if a little done-in when Beloved brightly says "Let's go all the way around the Battery and stop at the Seaport for a drink." (This would have added about an additional 6+ miles to our way home!) The French Hairdresser jumps all over it with his fancy bike, Tour De France outfit, and clippy shoes. I was so upset because there is really no way I could have managed that. I was sure I could get home without a problem, even going out of our way to go down by the Hudson, but adding more?

It totally deflated me. Why would Beloved suggest something like that? I'm really doing great with fitness, but I am NOT near that level yet. Shouldn't they both have known that? Yes, they should have.

So we had a great day, but I still feel like I held people back from having fun. So no matter that I did all the extra riding and the hills successfully, I still feel a little loser-ish. Gotta work on stomping out the negative voice. She's a pain in the ass.

As of 6/1/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	221.5			5.5 lbs.
Bust	44.5"			1.5 in.
Waist	38.5"			2.5 in.
Hip	51.5"			1.5 in.
BMI	39.2%			.024%

The Real Week 4 - Crabby Is As Crabby Does

We have company this week - a dear friend of Beloved's from Germany and her 8 year old daughter. They are wonderful guests, helpful and non-obtrusive (a real feat in an NYC apartment.)

Two important things are in play now: Beloved is caught up in being with her friend, and she somehow injured both her ankles running (showing off?)at the track. They hurt and are swollen, like a sprain. I told her last week that too much was as bad as nothing at all when she was exhorting me to run (to no avail.) I reminded her that we are over 40. I cried when she was clearly disappointed. Can't she see that I am working hard at this? That keeping on keeping on is more important than speed or "winning"?

As I continue my workout (stepping smartly) until finished, she is sprinting ahead and stopping to stretch or rest in between. It's a fundamental difference between us, I realize. She can beat anyone in the on-the-spot competition: faster, more capable of the push needed to win. So not where I am coming from.

This week I ride to the warehouse in Jersey City for the first time alone. My seat decides to slowly descend until the rack on the back is acting like a brake. I call Beloved in a slight panic since just moving the seat up spins the rack at a crazy angle. I really want her to come and rescue me since I knew this bicycle crap was total bullshit. And here is the proof.

She gives me some instructions, but I am not an engineer. It doesn't seem to work like she said. She is laughing at me (she has a very well developed sense of schadenfreude) and I am getting pissed. I give a curt "good-bye" and hang up in a huff. I consider abandoning the bike but the walk home is too far. I fool around with the seat and rack and finally understand how the "quick release" mechanism works. I adjust the seat and go on.

I am so incredibly proud of myself. It's a tiny little thing - but I fixed it. By myself.

The buoyancy crashes later in the day on the way home when I have to walk up the two hills from the warehouse to the PATH station again. I try telling myself that it's OK, that I really achieved something today with riding alone and fixing a problem -- but I don't listen. Why should I listen to an old, tired, fat, unable-to-do-slight-hills, out of shape mess?

We take a few days off to go up to the property we just bought in Sullivan County. So there is a break from the forced march since Beloved is distracted and slightly injured. Whoo-hoo!

And then I find out that I feel terrible. I feel huge and unable to move. Everything is an effort. I am so crabby that even I don't want to be around me. Even my in-denial brain can figure out that this is because I have gotten used to an hour of exercise every day, and now my body is in shock.

Oh, crap.

As of 5/18/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	225.5			.5 lbs.
Bust	45"			0 in.
Waist	39"			0 in.
Hip	52"			0 in.
BMI	39.94%

The Real Week 3 - This. Is. Too. Hard.

This is really hard. I am stiff and sore everywhere. It's not getting easier, and the hills still defeat me. Maybe some people are constitutionally unable to navigate hills. Did ya ever think of that? Humph.

I feel like an old lady. If it's not easier after two full weeks, why continue? Beloved is adding distance and speed every single day at the track. She is getting faster, and going further every day. And she looks like a real runner. I look like a plodding elephant.

I'm still struggling along with my mile-and-a-quarter. Biking home is terrible - the distance between Avenue B and First Avenue seems like a mile - up hill. She doesn't say anything, but I can tell she would like to go faster when we ride bicycles. I am using every last ounce of energy I have.

And while intellectually I am not expecting to lose any weight, emotionally I am working so hard that I expect to see significant loss.

I'm very discouraged. I've been getting bigger and bigger every year, and maybe that's my fate.

As of 5/11/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	226			1 lbs.
Bust	45"			1 in.
Waist	39"			2 in.
Hip	52"			1 in.
BMI	40.02%

The Real Week Two - Exhaustion and Tears (Part 1)

I'm in sort of a groove now - not looking forward to exercising but resigned to it. After a week of getting about an hour of dedicated exercise every day, I lost a grand total of half-a-pound. Although I remind myself that I am not dieting, I am still disappointed. The tape measure says I lost inches too, but I don't believe it.

What is that voice in my head that negates any positive action? It's a lot stronger than any other voice.

Beloved announces that we will ride down to World Trade Center to take the PATH train to my warehouse office in Jersey City. That's about 3 miles, plus a mile on the NJ side. All on city streets. Yikes. I had to rest twice, but I did it. I felt pretty good about that!

Riding home is a different story. To get to the train there are two hills - not steep (per se) but long. And steep enough that I huff and puff up them when I walk! I walk up both hills after a brief attempt at riding. I am embarrassed that I can't do it. It makes me pick a fight with Beloved. She shows admirable restraint. I am so tired after a day of work and riding back to the PATH station that we have to take the long way home because I feel too shaky. I walk up the slight incline to Broadway and we head across town to the Seaport. OH NO. Another hill up to Water Street. And this one with buses roaring past. I walk up on the sidewalk. I rest twice on the way home and hate myself.

I will never be able to do this (says the voice in my head, despite the fact that I DID do it.)

As of 5/4/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	226.5			.5 lbs.
Bust	45"			1 in.
Waist	40"			1 in.
Hip	52.5"			.5 in.
BMI	40.02%