The Real Week 5 - A Better Attitude

We said good-bye to the company - the week actually went pretty fast. On Sunday 5/25 we weighed and measured - pretty good results! An inconsistent week still showed forward progress. Excellent!

As I wrote about here we had a really enjoyable ride up the West Side, with a stop for spontaneous kayaking. We did go to Zum Schneider, and some friends joined us. Our friend Bruce is an awesome massage therapist and educator - he is one of the founders of stone massage - (Call him for an appointment in New York or Miami!) - and when we got back home he looked at Beloved's ankles. He did some simple stretches while explaining that any injury needs blood and oxygen to heal, so by gently moving the muscles and tissues we can direct additional blood flow and increased oxygen to the affected site.

And sure enough, the swelling was noticeably diminished when he was done. A great start to the week.

And things are finally getting a little easier. The week's accomplishments:

• Exercised every day by accident and didn't notice until just now.
• Made it up the second hill in Jersey City 50% of the time. (The "big hill" still defeats me.)
• Made it up the first part of the ramp going to the East River Park. Might have made it up the second part but am still a bit glackity on the tight turns, and once I lose momentum it's all over.
• Asked Beloved when they moved the World Trade Center closer to our house. :) (That means no resting on the way to or from the WTC PATH station!)
  
• Maintaining a 1.5 mile walk at the track, with 4 hundred-meter running intervals.
  
• Lost 1.5 pounds!

I am cautiously optimistic. Not too shabby for a Big Girl.

As of 5/25/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	224			3 lbs.
Bust	44.5"			1 in.
Waist	39"			2 in.
Hip	51"			1 in.
BMI	39.6%			.013%

The Real Week 4 - Crabby Is As Crabby Does

We have company this week - a dear friend of Beloved's from Germany and her 8 year old daughter. They are wonderful guests, helpful and non-obtrusive (a real feat in an NYC apartment.)

Two important things are in play now: Beloved is caught up in being with her friend, and she somehow injured both her ankles running (showing off?)at the track. They hurt and are swollen, like a sprain. I told her last week that too much was as bad as nothing at all when she was exhorting me to run (to no avail.) I reminded her that we are over 40. I cried when she was clearly disappointed. Can't she see that I am working hard at this? That keeping on keeping on is more important than speed or "winning"?

As I continue my workout (stepping smartly) until finished, she is sprinting ahead and stopping to stretch or rest in between. It's a fundamental difference between us, I realize. She can beat anyone in the on-the-spot competition: faster, more capable of the push needed to win. So not where I am coming from.

This week I ride to the warehouse in Jersey City for the first time alone. My seat decides to slowly descend until the rack on the back is acting like a brake. I call Beloved in a slight panic since just moving the seat up spins the rack at a crazy angle. I really want her to come and rescue me since I knew this bicycle crap was total bullshit. And here is the proof.

She gives me some instructions, but I am not an engineer. It doesn't seem to work like she said. She is laughing at me (she has a very well developed sense of schadenfreude) and I am getting pissed. I give a curt "good-bye" and hang up in a huff. I consider abandoning the bike but the walk home is too far. I fool around with the seat and rack and finally understand how the "quick release" mechanism works. I adjust the seat and go on.

I am so incredibly proud of myself. It's a tiny little thing - but I fixed it. By myself.

The buoyancy crashes later in the day on the way home when I have to walk up the two hills from the warehouse to the PATH station again. I try telling myself that it's OK, that I really achieved something today with riding alone and fixing a problem -- but I don't listen. Why should I listen to an old, tired, fat, unable-to-do-slight-hills, out of shape mess?

We take a few days off to go up to the property we just bought in Sullivan County. So there is a break from the forced march since Beloved is distracted and slightly injured. Whoo-hoo!

And then I find out that I feel terrible. I feel huge and unable to move. Everything is an effort. I am so crabby that even I don't want to be around me. Even my in-denial brain can figure out that this is because I have gotten used to an hour of exercise every day, and now my body is in shock.

Oh, crap.

As of 5/18/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	225.5			.5 lbs.
Bust	45"			0 in.
Waist	39"			0 in.
Hip	52"			0 in.
BMI	39.94%

The Real Week 3 - This. Is. Too. Hard.

This is really hard. I am stiff and sore everywhere. It's not getting easier, and the hills still defeat me. Maybe some people are constitutionally unable to navigate hills. Did ya ever think of that? Humph.

I feel like an old lady. If it's not easier after two full weeks, why continue? Beloved is adding distance and speed every single day at the track. She is getting faster, and going further every day. And she looks like a real runner. I look like a plodding elephant.

I'm still struggling along with my mile-and-a-quarter. Biking home is terrible - the distance between Avenue B and First Avenue seems like a mile - up hill. She doesn't say anything, but I can tell she would like to go faster when we ride bicycles. I am using every last ounce of energy I have.

And while intellectually I am not expecting to lose any weight, emotionally I am working so hard that I expect to see significant loss.

I'm very discouraged. I've been getting bigger and bigger every year, and maybe that's my fate.

As of 5/11/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	226			1 lbs.
Bust	45"			1 in.
Waist	39"			2 in.
Hip	52"			1 in.
BMI	40.02%

Good News After A Not So Great Week

A quick up-to-date post: with company last week and a yucky medical procedure the exercise schedule got messed up so I did not feel good about checking weight and measurements today.

But I lost a pound and 1.5" so maybe my metabolism is kicking up!

Since Beloved messed up her ankles (more in a future post) I suggested that we go not to the track but on a long bike ride. She agreed, but it was immediately obvious that we defined "long" differently.

I started to say "Let's go to the West Side and ride uptown until I'm half-way tired, then come back and try to go all the way around the Battery to the Seaport and then home." (My ulterior motive is to stop at the seaport for refreshment (and rest!) and then go to one of our favorite restaurants - Zum Schneider - as a special treat.) I was envisioning sort of going up to where the passenger ships dock around 53rd St.

(Extra Bonus! It's Fleet Week so lots of yummy sailors to look at!)

But Beloved interrupted with "Yeah! Great idea. Let's go up the West Side to the bridge." "The Bridge is the GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE at One-freaking-hundred-SEVENTY-EIGHTH Street! The woman is clearly out of her mind.

But we are ready to go on this beautiful Sunday afternoon so more later. We'll see who prevails.

xoxo-Owlette

Update: We ended up going all the way to 79th St. It was an amazing day with perfect weather. At 79th St the New York City Downtown Boathouse was offering free kayaking in the Hudson River. I'm not afraid of the river, and I can swim. But I was afraid that I am just too big to do this. But I did it! And it was awesome!

As of 5/25/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	224			3 lbs.
Bust	44.5"			1 in.
Waist	39"			2 in.
Hip	51"			1 in.
BMI	39.6%			.013%

The Real Week Two - Exhaustion and Tears (Part 2)

I know I am playing catch up on this - I really wish I had written it as it was happening because it was (is) so hard! And when I read other people's stories about achieving a difficult goal I find it much more inspiring if I can really feel the way it was -- the despair and elation, ya know? I'm trying to convey that...


If I didn't mention it before, fitness is the goal here. And not just any old fitness - Fitness as Job 1. That means that there is nothing more important than improving my health and nothing can stand in the way of that commitment.

And believe me, I have looked for something (anything!) to get in the way.

So at the track... still walking at least a mile. Most days I do a mile and a quarter. My calves hurt and I am convinced I am getting shin splints. I don't dare complain.

Beloved is running for parts of our workout. She is trying to make me run (not working) and is also trying to make me do weird exercises. I look like the ballet-dancing hippos from Fantasia and refuse to hop around like that.

I know that she has my best interests at heart, but it's all too much. Every day I dread the Exercise Hour. I feel huge and clumsy and like I will never get anywhere. Maybe I'm too old to start this program.

Since we usually bike the mile over to the track, by the time we get home I am FINISHED. Why do people say that exercise gives them energy? I can hardly move and am so stiff every hour of every day. At night when I get up from my desk or couch to go to bed I move like I'm 110.

What have I gotten myself into?

As of 5/4/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	226.5			.5 lbs.
Bust	45"			1 in.
Waist	40"			1 in.
Hip	52.5"			.5 in.
BMI	40.02%

The Real Week Two - Exhaustion and Tears (Part 1)

I'm in sort of a groove now - not looking forward to exercising but resigned to it. After a week of getting about an hour of dedicated exercise every day, I lost a grand total of half-a-pound. Although I remind myself that I am not dieting, I am still disappointed. The tape measure says I lost inches too, but I don't believe it.

What is that voice in my head that negates any positive action? It's a lot stronger than any other voice.

Beloved announces that we will ride down to World Trade Center to take the PATH train to my warehouse office in Jersey City. That's about 3 miles, plus a mile on the NJ side. All on city streets. Yikes. I had to rest twice, but I did it. I felt pretty good about that!

Riding home is a different story. To get to the train there are two hills - not steep (per se) but long. And steep enough that I huff and puff up them when I walk! I walk up both hills after a brief attempt at riding. I am embarrassed that I can't do it. It makes me pick a fight with Beloved. She shows admirable restraint. I am so tired after a day of work and riding back to the PATH station that we have to take the long way home because I feel too shaky. I walk up the slight incline to Broadway and we head across town to the Seaport. OH NO. Another hill up to Water Street. And this one with buses roaring past. I walk up on the sidewalk. I rest twice on the way home and hate myself.

I will never be able to do this (says the voice in my head, despite the fact that I DID do it.)

As of 5/4/08:

Current				Total Lost
Weight	226.5			.5 lbs.
Bust	45"			1 in.
Waist	40"			1 in.
Hip	52.5"			.5 in.
BMI	40.02%

The Real Week One - The Track

There is a great quarter-mile track in the East River Park. It's got a soccer field in the middle, and bleachers on one side and the river on the other. So the Beloved and I bicycle over (walking up the ramp, of course) and she thinks I am actually going to do some RUNNING.

I fall on the floor laughing. She is not amused. I tell her I will WALK for a mile and see how I feel. She says through clenched teeth that I had better Step Smartly.

By the second quarter mile I am stepping a little smarter, and enjoying it much more than any treadmill in any gym. And like the only thing I like about the treadmill, I like that I can measure how far I am going.

I know it doesn't seem like a lot to walk a mile (stepping smartly) but I recognize it's a start. And while I secretly vow to increase it as time goes on, the Official Position is that This. Is. It.

See, Beloved is very naturally sporty. She was an Olympic caliber athlete in her youth. And she was always the winner. So she has this weird concept of pushing me beyond my capabilities as if some brilliant light will go off in my head and I will run in the marathon in November. The only thing that goes off is my bloody temper and I start to scheme about a divorce. Except I love her madly.

She isn't happy unless she is exhausted after a workout. I am conscious that I have to bicycle home after this. And that I want to live to tell about it.

So there you have it. The first week we settled into two forms of exercise -what I thought of as gentle biking and gentle walking. I either walked 1-1.5 miles on the track or biked for 4-6 miles.

And it was good.

As you may have predicted, Beloved has other plans.

As of 4/27/08:

Current
Weight	227
Bust	46"
Waist	41"
Hip	53"			.5 in.
BMI	40.20%

The Real Week One - Bicycling

Beloved has said at least a thousand times that she doesn't care what I weigh, but she does care that I can MOVE. So I'll show her - I WILL NOT DIET. I will commit to getting fit, but one thing at a time, please.

It turns out that she supports that position. Huh.

So we get on our bicycles and she wants to ride to the Seaport (about 3.5 miles.) I freak out and flatly refuse. But I will ride to what I call "The Seals" - a cute little alcove in the East River Park that is full of statues of cavorting seals and water spouts. It's about 2 miles to The Seals, I think.

Off we go, down 6th Street towards the bridge over the FDR and so into the park. I'm already tired. We get to the bridge with its two inclines up. I get off and walk the bike up. Hills have always defeated me.

Off to The Seals. I can hardly breathe. Oh my God, I'm gonna die. Only grim determination gets me back home. I'm wobbly but at least I did it.

And then Beloved advises me that we will be doing this and more every single day. (Apparently World Without End, Amen.) We fight and the net result is that I get one day off per week. I know something is wrong with this but I feel victorious anyway.

As of 4/27/08:

Current
Weight	227
Bust	46"
Waist	41"
Hip	53"
BMI	40.20%

Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them

In my first post, I said I was a good person. I lied.

I guess I am only a good-ish (or maybe not even!) person because I lied to you. Even though I meant to start this blog right away, I have actually been on "the project" (so to speak) since 4/27. I hope that doesn't make what I say in the future suspect.

It's just that the first weeks were so hard that I wanted to commemorate them - because maybe another seriously overweight person will get some inspiration from it.

So I'll double post some highlights until we're up to date. Feel free to ignore the "old info". And try not to hate on me.

xoxo-Owlette

Making Commitments

One hundred pounds. Still can't get over it. But sitting around thinking about it is not going to decrease the size of my ass.

So I have to commit, right? It's too much and too overwhelming. So today's commitment is to fitness. Even if I don't lose an ounce, I will be fit. (And if I don't lose significantly MORE than an ounce, I will also be pissed.)

Beloved is super-sporty and naturally athletic and wants a major commitment from me for at least an hour's serious exercise every single day. Is she out of her freaking mind? I'll probably have a heart attack.

On the other hand, she is fit. Maybe she knows something?

So here's the deal: For this week, I will commit to at least 30 minutes a day of some kind of cardio. I can re-commit next week.

And here's the new twist. No fancy gym or special equipment. It's Spring and we'll ride bikes or use the track in the park. I haven't ridden a bike in 20+ years. Last time I got on a bike with some friends I was mortified because I was so slow and it was so hard. I picked a fight with Beloved and then spent the afternoon in tears and mortification.

So she is fixing up a bike for me. It's purple and pink. She got me a nice cushy seat cover and a basket. We did some gentle riding and it was fun (ish.)

We also have an understanding that if I have to rest, I rest. That if a "short" ride takes an hour, so be it.

Today, we ride.

Current Stats as of 4/27/08

Weight: 227
Bust: 46"
Waist: 41"
Hip: 53"
BMI: 40.2

Day 1 - I Am A Heifer

How did this happen to me? I got on the scale and I have gained 100 pounds over the past 16 years. I'm tired and crabby and hate my clothes (that's right - it's the CLOTHES) and I don't even recognize myself. I'm a good person! I donate to charity! I volunteer! I help my family and friends! I vote!

HOW. DID. THIS. HAPPEN? I am a total heifer.

I'm totally going to kick some ass over this. Only I think that the ass that needs kicking is my own.

The thing is, that I already know it all. Oh yes, how to eat right, portion sizes, exercise, blah blah blah. I know that I am supposed to love my body the way it is. That there are lots of nice clothes in plus sizes. That true beauty is within. I'm an inspiration to others with my vast store of knowledge. They come to me and I give great advice on working exercise into your daily routine; on cooking healthier; on loving your self just the way you are.

But if you don't even feel good in your own skin, something's gotta give.

Oh, and here's another thing. I saw the last episode of the Biggest Loser. In the before pictures the people look miserable and unhealthy. And wearing bicycle shorts and sports bras is just not a good look on the overweight. And then I realized that I weigh more than some of the contestants. Ergo, my before picture would be worse.

My Beloved has said flatly that she thinks I'm going to die if I don't do something.

It's not like I sit around eating bon-bons all day. I walk a lot (but that's all.) If I lived someplace where I went everywhere in a car I would probably weigh twice as much! And it's not like I don't know about nutrition - I eat a lot of healthy foods, with lots of variety. Hmmm - maybe it the "lots" that's the problem?

HOW. DID. THIS. HAPPEN?

So I am going to let my Beloved be a sort of trainer. Ha. She has no idea what she is getting into.


Current Stats as of 4/27/08

Weight: 227
Bust: 46"
Waist: 41"
Hip: 53"
BMI: 40.2